did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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