I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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