with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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