Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
