worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Operation Purity has been aborted
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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