Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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