Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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