i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
