you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
two words...techno handjob
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
