We named our party play list daddy issues
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
