so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Drunk is not a location!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
