i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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