I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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