dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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