I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
