After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
