were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My dick has a subreddit
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
