all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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