would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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