im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
