You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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