just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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