I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
