I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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