There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
