So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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