Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Found the puke drawer
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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