you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
