I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
