Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
