this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
