Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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