True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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