I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize