I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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