Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
