Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
