Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
