After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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