He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
