Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
