i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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