I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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