I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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