So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
