I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
