grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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