So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
