is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize