it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
