good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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