If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
