Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
false alarm, still single
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
