My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
