around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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